Elephants - Got to Know When to Eat Them…

…And When to Street Them

This is week 4 of my personal blog. I started it when a friend advised me to write to cope with a very deep and personal loss. The theme thus far has been:

How to Deal With Tough Times and Keep Your Sanity Intact

With that said, off we go!

Let me begin by saying that I use A TON of elephant analogies (no pun intended). In case you’ve been under a rock most of your life or you’re new to the English language, the elephant is representative of large obstacles in our lives which seem nearly impossible to overcome. But 99.99% of you know that, so I’ll quit wasting cyberspace and move on.

I don’t know who said it, but I love the quote:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.”

By that definition, many of us are completely insane. We stay in the same personal, professional or life situations which make us miserable and we stay in them hoping that they'll just get better on thier own.

There are some elephants we simply have no choice but to face, like the death of a loved one or a terminal illness. There are other times we allow ourselves to be subjected to elephants that make our lives miserable and we don’t have to. I experienced this phenomenon myself.

I worked technical support for a news and legal data center in 2009. The money was the best I’d ever been offered, and I was offered benefits right off the bat. I jumped at the chance. I’m somewhat computer literate and have a slightly above average intelligence so I thought I’d do well.

Initially I did do well, but as time wore on, I struggled. In terms of emotions, I was always “on guard”, you know, the way you are when you start a new job? Pushing harder, being aware of your surroundings, triple checking everything you do. As most of you have experienced at one time or another, you’re on edge during this time, it’s like you’re mentally stuck on high gear and your brain is going a million miles an hour.

At some point, naturally, you find your comfort zone and relax a little. Work becomes part of your daily routine with ups and downs. That didn’t happen with this job for me. It’s probably the nature of the beast with IT jobs, but things are ever changing and there is no comfort zone or routine. You learn new policies and procedures almost weekly, and have to come up with difficult solutions to desperate customers in minutes.

I performed satisfactorily, but it came with a high price. I didn’t sleep or eat well. I couldn’t enjoy my time away from work because all I was thinking about was being mentally geared up for work. I had to sleep in my car during lunch to get up the nerve and energy to go back in the building. I was miserable.   

This all came to a head one Monday. I’d done a favor for someone and worked on their computer over the weekend. That following Monday morning before work, I learned that something had gone critically wrong with their computer, the person wasn’t upset, but wanted to know why it had happened. My cup overflowed with that one drop. A year’s worth of depression and anxiety came crashing down on me. I fell apart.

Thank God Vicki was there to comfort and reassure me. My dad came over right away before he went to work. He’d heard I’d broken down. He said something that totally changed my perspective on the matter, he said, “Some things just aren’t worth the cost.” It had never dawned on me to remove my job from my life equation. With the recession hitting the country, I figured I had no choice.

You always have a choice. Whether you’re in an abusive relationship, an impossible job, or whatever it is that you think you can’t walk away from, take a hard look and really think about whether or not you need that stressor in your life. This takes us to this weeks’ nugget:

Nugget #5 Not all your elephants have to be eaten. Kick the ones causing you the most heartburn to the curb.

Don’t be afraid to reevaluate your life. Like my dad said, “Some things aren’t worth the cost.” Yes, telling that abusive person to hit the road may mean you’re on your own with the bills and other life stuff. Walking away from that high paying, but high stress job may mean major sacrifices until you get your income on track. But if the alternative is you being miserable, maybe poor and single may mean freedom and happiness.

Thanks again for reading,

Your Dog-Loving Blogger,

Bunji

Fed Elephants...

...Breed

This is my third blog entry. The theme of this blog thus far has been:

How to Deal With Tough Times and Keep Your Sanity Intact

It’s only too natural to seek relief when you’re in the midst of pain and unhappiness. This is actually a good thing. It means you’re trying to come to grips with what’s happened to you and you’re attempting to get on your feet.

WARNING: INCOMING DIGRESSION!

Actually, I’d be concerned if you weren’t seeking relief of some sort. If you’re lying in bed like a limp prizefighter that just got socked with an uppercut, guess what? You’re depressed. When all the things that make life, life, are all on your back burner, call for help.

Laying around with no desire to do anything isn’t uncommon in the short run. However, if you can’t remember the last time you did something you enjoyed, or your answering machine is jam packed with unanswered messages from friends and loved ones, you’re most likely spiraling deeper in depression and you need to get some outside intervention.

Admitting you're depressed isn’t an admission of weakness, or mental instability. Depression is the human mind’s natural response to ongoing stress and/or trauma. Everyone has it at some point, its part of the human condition. You may not have the inner resources to cope with circumstances that are clearly out of the ordinary. Unless you’re in a high risk job like a spy with a license to kill, or a country with a low mortality rate, you’re not going to be exposed to world-shaking events on a daily basis so you may not have the mental "tools" to deal with it.

The bottom line is see Nugget # 2 - SHARE YOUR ELEPHANT. You have people who love you (Unless you're Usama Bin Laden or a Tele-marketer) and those people will do all they can to support you. So go to them and tell them you need help.

Yes, I digressed….like I said I was going to. Of course if I said I was going to digress, and I digressed, was it really digressing to begin with? OK, never mind.

I’m confusing myself, now.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, “That’s not so hard to do…” save it.)

Back to my original point which also happens to be this weeks’ nugget,

Nugget# 4: DON’T FEED YOUR ELEPHANT! THEY’LL BREED MORE!

It’s bad enough you have a whole elephant buffet waiting for you. Don’t add to it. For example:

Let’s say you’re in a high stress job. You’ve ignored all my nuggets and have instead chosen to begin drinking at the end of each work day to “wind down”. You’ve just served your "work elephant", which in this case happens to be a tough job, its first bite.

As you go along, your one drink a day turns into two. Now you have a second baby elephant which has just plopped itself down beside you, a drinking problem in its infancy. Add to that, the "work elephant" is beginning to grow in size because you’re distracted at work, you’re having trouble making it there on time, and your performance is slipping. All these factors make an already stressful job even more stressful. Your "work elephant" just grew another size.

When you’re not able to have your daily wind down drink, you’re cranky at home and difficult to live with. There’s elephant number three, the "home stress elephant". You apply the same approach to the "home stress elephant" as you did the "work elephant" and drink even more. Your "drinking elephant" is now adolescent and growing. As you go down this road, you’re attracting all kinds of new elephants – "health elephants", "legal elephants", "spiritual elephants" and so on.

Finally, the elephant that kicked it all off, your "work elephant", does you in. You get fired and at the same time realize your adolescent drinking problem has just matured into full blown adulthood – alcoholism. All the while, everyone around you is treated to massive servings of your herd, until one drink too many and a traffic accident later, someone pays the ultimate price.

I know. This is pretty dire. But it happens. Huge pachyderms grow from baby ones. Avoid choices what will not only fail to solve your problem, but will most likely breed new ones. Here’s some other examples:

Problem: You're In Debt

Non-Solutions: Using Credit Cards, Going To Check Into Cash Places, Gambling, Trying Get Rich Quick Schemes

(No, you can't get rich buying 300 dollars worth of soap and shampoo a month, sorry AMWAY)

Problem: Being Overweight

Non-Solutions: Eating a box of Twinkies because they say “Fat-Free” (Yes, guilty as charged), Diet Pills, Crash Diets

(No, the man with ripped abs on TV is NOT a doctor, and RESULTS AREN'T TYPICAL!)

Problem: You're Stressed

Non-Solutions: Abusing/Consuming Non-prescribed controlled substances, Alcohol, Cigarettes.

You get the idea. Avoid so-called easy solutions and quick fixes, because they aren’t and they won’t. Consult people who really do care about you and they’ll offer advice that may lack the sparkle of a quick fix info-mercial, but their advice will help you get your elephant eaten.

Thanks once again for reading,

You're Dog-Loving Blogger,

Bunji

Elephant is a Dish which is Best….

…When it’s Shared


This is my second stab at a blog entry, so please bear with. To kind of sum up what I said last week, I started this blog on the advice of a friend. I lost my 36 year old wife to a medical condition 3 months ago and am still dealing with the emotional fallout. So as sort of a therapy tool, I do what comes most naturally to me – write about it.

The theme of this blog thus far has been:

How to Deal With Tough Times and Keep Your Sanity Intact

Too often we attempt to carry the load of tragedy and the emotions that come with it, on our own. We bottle it up, shying away from telling others about how we feel and never venting it or confiding in others about our struggle. Either we’re embarrassed or we don’t want to burden others in our lives who we think have enough to deal with already.

This brings me to Nugget #2 – Share Your Elephant Bites With Others

The truth is your elephant is much easier for others to eat. Doesn’t it usually feel good when a friend stops by to tell you about a difficult coworker who smacks her gum all day, or the stubborn 80 year old clerk at the DMV who probably stamped Henry Ford’s first license? It gives you both the chance to look and the situation and maybe even laugh at it (or in my case cry about it) together. Your case is no different. It’s a burden your friends and family can cope with easier than you while at the same time being able to empathize with that you’re going through.

When you share your concerns with friends and loved ones, it gives them an opportunity to help someone they care about; to make a difference in your life.

Personally, the person who I usually shared most of my elephant with is gone. So I got dealt a double whammy. On a positive note, my friends and family have been doing all they can to take up the slack. I'm grateful to be blessed with them.

So now you’re saying, “OK, fine. I’ve stopped panicking and I’ve shared my troubles with others, but my world is STILL upside down and the pieces of my life are strewn about me like living room furniture on the front lawn after a tornado. What do I do next?”

Nugget #3 Let It All Out

Absorbing all your emotions and keeping them inside during tough times is a bad idea. Shrinks like to use the ten dollar word “internalize” to describe this behavior. It’s unhealthy and can even harm you physically through ulcers, high blood pressure, or digestion issues… you get the idea. (OK, I could have left digestion issues out, but as people really close to me know, it’s my personal “issue” of choice)

The point is you simply MUST have an outlet.

Maybe its overshare to say this, but right after Vicki passed, I had to be alone to vent. I’ll spare you the particulars, but needless to say I not only fell to pieces, I shattered into little bits. I don’t recommend you go postal or anything. I don’t want to be responsible for some air traffic controller going ballistic on the job and then citing this blog as his or her inspiration to do so. I do, however think that venting your emotions is not only acceptable, it’s necessary. I’ve no formal education on the subject, but personally speaking it was a crucial part of my healing process.

Beat a pillow, go to a secluded area and scream at the top of your lungs, hit some balls on the driving range or the batting cage (Don’t get them mixed up though; you’ll get clobbered by a baseball if you try using a 9 Iron in the batting cage. I’m just saying…”)

The truth is, if you don’t blow some of the steam off, some poor little old lady who’s taking 20 minutes in the express checkout lane at the supermarket will most likely become the object of your emotional outburst. So, for Mrs. Ethel Mothbottom’s sake, vent in a safe area that’s NOT a supermarket.

I think that’s all you can tolerate reading for now : ) I will be making this a weekly blog. So stay tuned next week, same blog website, same blog webtime!

Thanks for reading,

Your Dog-Loving Blogger,

Bunji

P.S. Dogs don’t know a thing about elephants, supermarkets, or DMV ladies so please don’t vent on them either.

How to Eat an Elephant….

…One Bite at a Time


My parents love to share this expression anytime I’m overwhelmed. The problem is I’ve had to eat ALOT of elephant over the years. For the most part, I’m eating American-Style elephant. I’m out of work, overweight, and deep in debt. Who isn’t?

Recently, my plate has been overflowing with elephant with the passing of my 36 year old wife of 16 years, Vicki. Unbeknownst to me and everyone else, she was suffering from a deep vein thrombosis in her leg. In laymen’s terms she had a large blood clot in her leg. On the morning of June 9, 2010, clots broke free and traveled to her lungs. She became light headed, passed out and stopped breathing. She never recovered.

In a blink of an eye, I became a single parent of two kids and a grieving widower.

It’s going on 3 months now. I’m still trying to find what my pastor describes as my “new normal”. I drew a tremendous amount of my identity from my relationship with Vicki. Each day was planned in tandem with hers. Meals, where and when we’d go places, who we’d visit with, it all revolved around her. That’s not a bad thing either; in point of fact it was comforting to be with her. In addition to identity, I was the recipient of reassurance, affection, laughter, and… well you get the idea, in a word, love.

So when I stop and think about it, I feel like someone who’d been walking in the cold who just had a warm coat ripped of their back. Its taken 3 months, but the shock is finally starting to fade.

All of that brings me to this; a dear friend knowing all I’ve been through, suggested I start writing. So, here I sit, poised at my kitchen pc; trying to figure out how I should start etching my thoughts into cyber-space.

I guess the theme of these blogs will be, how to deal with tough times and keep your sanity intact (for the most part). I know first hand how to mentally handle really hard stuff, and I’ll do my best to impart what little wisdom I’ve accumulated in my 37 years on this planet.

So, Nugget #1 is this. Don’t Panic!
(Something I learned from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

The only exceptions are:

1. You or someone near you has caught fire. Or you AND someone near you has caught fire. In either case, extinguish yourself first, then help the person near you. Trying to do so in the opposite order won’t be very productive. If the person near you wasn’t on fire to begin with, you’ll wind up catching them on fire, if they were on fire then the two of you combined will most likely combust even faster. Come to think of it, panicking doesn’t do much good in this situation.

2. Either, a large asteroid is headed for the earth; an alien invasion force is, well, invading; or the Hadron Collider in Geneva has spawned a world eating black hole. In any of these cases, it is perfectly acceptable for you to panic. Of course, it won’t affect the outcome, but if it makes you feel better, go for it.

3. Finally, Milli Vanilli gets back together. Trust me, of everything I’ve mentioned thus far, this frightens me the most. I’ll be setting up a hotline. In case any of you catch wind of this world ending event, WARN ME.

Seriously, whether you’ve just learned about something horrible in your life, or you're in the midst of dealing with it, the best thing you can do is avoid looking too far ahead or too far behind. Look back and you’ll see regrets and sadness. Look ahead and worry waits for you.

Just make the most out of what each day gives you. Take a deep breath, watch a sunrise, and pet a dog; but whatever you do, you’ve got to keep living… even if it’s just moment to moment.

Like Dory says, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

Thanks for reading,

Your Dog-Loving Blogger,

Bunji